Welcome to Holland (by Emily Kingsley)
Life doesn’t always go the way you planned.
I know it’s a cliche, but it’s true. Life doesn’t always go the way you planned. Nowhere is that more true than in parenting.
For us the road twisted and turned in ways we could not have anticipated: infertility, adoption, learning differences, health concerns, tumultuous teen years and more. In addition to the love and joy, there was fear, sadness and disappointment. There was family who loved us, but couldn’t fix it. There were friends who couldn’t really know what we were going through, and we distanced ourselves, saving our energy for what needed our attention most.
And yet… time has given me the gift of perspective, and the ability to learn and grow. While I wouldn’t have chosen those experiences, I am grateful for all I have learned, and for being a better, stronger version of the person I was back then.
For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, “Welcome to Holland” is a beautiful and poignant piece about when life doesn’t turn out the way you dreamed and planned, especially with regard to your children. If you are the parent of a child with special needs; the parent of a child who has taken some wrong turns; or if you are a person who has experienced disappointment, this is for you. In other words, this is for every single person.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Pearl Kingsley, 1987
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss. But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.
Fern Weis is a parent coach, specializing in supporting parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations (including underachieving, disrespectful behavior, addiction recovery and more). With parent-centered coaching, Fern helps parents release guilt, end enabling, and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life’s challenges. Learn more about coaching and workshops at www.fernweis.com. And while you’re there, download a free report, “Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk.”